Letters To My Smokin’ Hot Wife

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By Internet Archive Book Images [No restrictions], via Wikimedia Commons from Wikimedia Commons

I deleted my Facebook account some years ago for the sake of health and sanity and use my wife’s account to admire from a distance the harmonious and intelligent discourse among fellow God-imaged humans in this vast social community of reasoned prose, respectful, thoughtful dialog, and deep nuanced understanding of complex issues.

Being a professional mouse-clicker by trade, I ventured into an area of Facebook that I did not know existed.  There is a section specially reserved for messages addressed to my wife from people who are not her friends – as in complete strangers.  

Since my wife is a little less click-oriented than I am, I decided to do her the favor of reviewing these and responding on her behalf.

Here is the first:

Hi,

How are you doing? I hope you are doing great? I want to use this opportunity to let you know that I sincerely appreciate your looks!I believe you don’t mind us knowing each other much better? My Name is Steven,I am from Texas USA.Am a 9 years widower,I live with my pet dogs Wamma and Sandy.I am a Man with sense of humor,I am passionate and romantic,I have the fear of God in me, I have respect for my fellow human being.Till when we get to understand each other more, you will learn everything about me! For me distance does not matter, Am ready to relocate and come for you. Age difference is not a problem, what matters most is the Heart of loving! It will be wonderful of you to send me a feedback if you want us to get along and know each other.I will really appreciate knowing you, there is more we can talk about as we get to know each other.I promise to make you happy and always put a smile on your face.

Thanks and Cheers!

Regards,

Steven.

Since Steven’s profile was removed, I thought I would use my nationally read blog to reply.

Hi Steven!

We are doing great!  I so appreciate you admiring the photographs of my smokin’ hot wife.  Did you know I took some of the pictures and posted them myself?  I’ve been to Texas, yes the one in the USA, a few times but mainly on business.

I’m sorry to hear about your wife but I’m glad you have Wamma and Sandy to listen to your jokes and fulfill your romantic and passionate urges as well as keep you company on your way to church.

You sound like a person who has a heart just bursting with love and respect for others.  Your offer to relocate to our little community just to further our fellowship is quite heartening.  However, it really isn’t necessary.  I bet you can find someone right in your own community that you can strike up a friendship and get to know deeply through meaningful conversation.  Perhaps at your church.  Or, may I suggest that you meet others by taking a class at the community college where they teach English grammar.  

If you do take my suggestion, you should listen very carefully when the teacher talks about punctuation, especially around the differences between a sentence and a question.   You will have to listen very closely to the voice inflection in order to tell the difference.

Anyway there are a lot of other ideas.  Since age difference is not a problem, perhaps you should try bunco night at an assisted living center.  On the other hand, I would shy away from elementary schools. There are laws about that.

Thank you for writing, Steven.  Your letter definitely put a smile on our face. Say hi to Wamma and Sandy.

Thanks and cheers and regards!

David B. Sable

Looking further, I found there was a second message:

Hello Pretty,

How’re you doing out there? i really hope you’re cool, actually I’m a new member of this site and i find your profile quite impressive I’m here to make friends or something more, and i think you’re cool with your profile when i saw you on here, I’m a widowed man with a lonely heart, and you’re probably the first person I’m mailing on this site cos i find your profile quite impressive and interesting. You make a smile out of me if you can find a spare time to mail me back…Best of luck and good wishes

Williams Walter

Again, the profile mysteriously disappeared so I’ll have to use my renown blog in order to reply.

Hi Williams Walter!

We are doing great!  I feel in one short paragraph you have grown immensely as you began hoping that my wife was cool and one sentence later you came to realize that you think my wife is cool.  I can tell you from personal experience, that my smokin’ hot wife is indeed cool!

I am sorry to hear about your wife and your broken heart and am glad you are trying to make friends or something more.  By something more, I assume you mean eating dinner and I can tell you from personal experience that my wife is a great cook!  She was into delicious, whole food nutrient dense cooking long before it became fashionable among the millennials.  

You should find someone you can go to dinner with.  Maybe start with a hobby or community group.  If you take, for example,  a grammar class at the local community college, you may run into someone named Steve, Wamma, and Sandy.

Thank you for probably writing to share how interested and impressed you were with our profile.  I hope my reply brings you a smile though probably not as large as our smile.

Best of luck and good wishes,

Sable B. David

Perhaps I will return to Facebook to read more but right now I think I’ll go have breakfast and conversation with my smokin’ hot wife.